Social Skills and the Pandemic

[lydamorehouse]

I have a question for all of you: people talk a lot about feeling like they're losing social skills during the pandemic, do you feel that's true for you? If so, what social skills, in particular, are you noticing yourself (or worrying about) failing?

It seems pretty typical (at least if you go by internet meme) that a lot of us are feeling like we don't have much to talk about. But, beyond that what are you feeling awkward about?

My wife, when I asked her this, said that she is feeling like sometimes she goes straight to TMI with colleagues at work that she's not ACTUALLY that close to. Her example was that someone might ask her, "How are you?" Which, as we know as Westerners, you're not REALLY supposed to answer, but instead do the call and response answer, "I'm fine, how are you?" Shawn has been finding herself skipping the traditional "pleasantries" and going straight to, "I dunno, I've eaten cereal for the last three meals and randomly burst into tears over cat videos, you?" Personally, if we stop with the pretend greeting post-pandemic, I won't mind. I prefer a little emotional honesty in my random greetings with strangers, but I've always been weird like that. I have, in the Before Times, been known to answer "How are you?" with "Not great, honestly, my cat just died," which then actually led this stranger--my barista--into helping us get Willow, so it's NOT ALWAYS A DISASTER to be honest.

Shawn also said that she's getting mad at some of the Zoom etiquette.  She misses the spontaneity of  in-person meetings. (Yeah, take a moment and digest that. MY WIFE MISSES her corporate MEETINGS. Things are BAD, people. Things are REALLY bad!!)  But, in specific, she hates the whole 'raise hand' function, while totally understanding its necessity. She really misses being able to go "oh!" when you have an idea or thought and have people notice and ask if you want to share. As it happens, in so many of these meetings, she'll have an idea, miss her opportunity to raise her hand, write it into chat, where it will get missed in the barrage of other chat messages.

I feel this, because I think I'm the OTHER person in social and semi-social meetings. I accidentally interrupted my Japanese class last night because the instructor noticed me making googly eyes at one of my classmate's cat.  I mean, it was a CAT. Plus, the cat was on his shoulder and I LOVE shoulder cats, but that was awkward, and I suppose that would be a sign of my social skills slipping EXCEPT I am always that person who suddenly interjects with DOGGO! or, literally, SQUIRREL!

When I asked my son this same question, his answer was that he feels he's been giving in to the impulse to dominate a Zoom call if everyone else is staring at the screen like a zombie. Again, this is totally a problem I have had since the Before Times. He agreed that he has had that, too? But, for him, it's noticing that he's doing it, but awkwardly doing it anyway because he can no longer stand the stretches of awkward silences. (Which, to be fair to him, is more problematic. It's important to make space in conversations for silences.)

I guess the point of all this is that I'm starting to think that when the pandemic is over, there are going to be a lot of people with MY social skills. Like all the things that used to make me weird (talking to myself, over sharing, interrupting, and generally wanting to be noticed in a conversation) are all going to be the norm.

Thoughts?

Comments

[sabotabby]

I feel like I was losing social skills before the pandemic, especially around "how are you?" when the constant anxiety of living under a government that wants to throw me out of work was getting to me just a wee bit.

But I'm finding casual talk hard, crosstalk/overlapping conversation hard, body language hard, eye contact hard. I'm going to be a mess in 2022 when/if I get to socialize again.

[lydamorehouse]

Yeah, eye contact. Honestly, that's one I also always used to have trouble with, so I don't think you'll be alone.

We're all going to be wrecks!

[melita66]

Hmmm. I don't think so? My team of 6 has weekly meetings. We've always gotten on well so there's some banter and I sometimes drag the meeting back to work topics so we can keep it to an hour. Plus we have an ongoing chat in Teams.

I'm an introvert but there's my male partner (works at same company, we're both WFH since last March), two 8 yo boys plus a half-time manny, it can still get pretty noisy. I think having the 2 kids has kept their skills okay but we'll have to whenever they go back to in-person schooling. I don't plan on allowing that until my partner and I are vaccinated and I'd prefer that the kids were as well.

The kids' zoom calls have been weird. When the teacher sends them off into breakout rooms with 5-6 kids each, at least half immediately mute and usually turn off their cameras. It's messy and frustrates my kids to no end. Admittedly, at this age, the kids are narcing on each other about who's online and not.

[lydamorehouse]

The kids social skills is the thing that will be REALLY interesting going forward.

But, yeah, there are things I still do really well, too? I am an extrovert, but also a nerd, so my skill set has always been on the oddball side. For instance, in the Midwest, it's uncommon to talk in a crowded elevator. I used to do that all the time, despite realizing it made me weird.

Anyway, I'm glad you're finding spaces to keep up the social practice.

[pameladean]

I never had very many social skills and was always losing track of the ones that I did have. So, um, I'm not sure. I guess it could be even worse. I've felt it necessary to rein myself in a bit on the text channels of the MinnStf Discord server during meetings because I will just type lickety-split whatever the heck comes into my head. I can't really deal with the voice/video channels, if there are more than two or three other people, so I don't think I've committed solecisms there.

I would be FINE if there were more people like you once we are able to talk to people face to face again.

P.

[lydamorehouse]

Aw, thanks. I'm not sure what we'd do with a world full of oversharing extroverts, though! ;-)

It's funny that you bring up Discord etiquette. I have just spent a good portion of this morning wondering if I "talked too much" on my new Japanese class Discord server. So, I feel you there.

And, I also feel like I am this weird combination of extrovert and nerd which means my social skills are all over the place at the best of times? It will be interesting to see how it all shakes out when we actually have in-person gatherings. I will say, I have forgotten that people say "hello" when passing each other on the street. I've been consciously trying to that instead of CRINGING when I see people out on my walks.

Well!

[lsanderson]

Most/Many/Some of us never had no social skills at the get-go, so there's no down to that.

Re: Well!

[lydamorehouse]

Hahaha. GOOD POINT.

I mean, I've always felt like a fairly well-socialized nerd? So I'm somewhere in between?

[sauscony]

I hadn't really thought about it before because I'm socially awkward, but yeah, I can see this happening.

[lydamorehouse]

I wonder if, when the dust settles, you will notice more people like you? I suspect that for awhile we will ALL be socially awkward, though probably not all in the same ways.

[j00j]

I lead a lot of the work meetings so I feel like I've become less shy and intimidated by people over the course of this intense project-- they're all the same kind of Zoom square now! We're small enough that we don't usually resort to the raise hand function, we just start talking and do our best to give each other space.
Social Zooms are keeping me vaguely in practice meeting new people once in awhile, but I feel like I'm going to need to work up to dealing with large crowds when it's safe, and worry about losing my ability to deal with, like, random people screaming on the subway.

[lydamorehouse]

That's going to be the real test. As I was just commenting to Pamela, I already veer out of the way when people approach me when I'm on my walks. Here in the Midwest, we usually say "Hi," or "good morning/afternoon/evening" to people we pass on the street, but I have totally got out of the habit and am lucky I don't look at them and shout, "EEEEK! A PEOPLE!"


I don't even know what I'd do if I got on the train now-a-days....

[oracne]

It isn't so much the skills as the energy. Like, being online with people too much wears me out more/faster than F2F.

[lydamorehouse]

This is also real talk, as the kids say.

Zoom is EXHAUSTING and I'm an extrovert!

[anirrationalseason]

That's an interesting observation about TMI becoming more of a thing in light of the pandemic; I do believe that colleagues and acquaintances are getting to that point with me, where I feel that I have to return TMI myself to balance things out (and later feel a little embarrassed by what I've said, but I think that's because my upbringing was very much "DON'T TELL ANYONE YOUR FEELINGS EVER").

As for myself personally, my social skills tanked after I developed chronic pain four years ago, and I don't think that's changed much due to the pandemic. (I didn't want to venture out that much pre-pandemic, tbh.)

[lydamorehouse]

Chronic pain is awful. You have all my sympathy. I had nerve pain for a month and gained a huge amount of sympathy for people who suffer that kind of thing (or even half or a fourth of that king of thing)... always. It would make me insane, and, yes, much, much less socially capable.

I do wonder about the return volley of the TMI. Shawn (my wife) said that when she goes into TMI, she will sometimes only get the awkward chuckle as a reply, so I mean... maybe Minnesotans are better at just continuing not to tell the feelings?? Anyway, I get the desire to reply with TMI of one's own.

P.S. LOVE the icon! (Hello, fellow Bleach fan!)

[anirrationalseason]

Yeah, it's a combination of TMJ and some weird allergy issue that causes interminable migraines and tension headaches. Not fun. That sucks so much that you had to deal with nerve pain, so my sympathies to you there too! Still chasing down specialists to see what can be done.

Yeah, I think emotional honesty will still continue to elude some people, pre- and post-pandemic, but it will probably be freeing for a lot of folks if sharing beyond the bare-bones "fine, how are you" becomes the new norm. (Some people won't even say "hi" back as it is, which is a bummer.)

(Thank you! I love yours too! I really need to finish the manga... the whole set's just sitting at the local library, waiting to be read...)

[lydamorehouse]

You can always wait to read the last arc of Bleach. There is a new anime in the works. (Also, if you haven't seen the live-action Bleach, it's actually pretty good? If you like Ishida, the actor that plays him NAILS it. The only weird thing is how they changed Renji and Byakuya and the near absence of Chad and Orihime.)

ANYWAY.

Yeah, I know what you mean about people barely saying 'hi' now. I have been making a concerted effort to say "hello" when I pass people on the street, as I said above. I much prefer it when people just tell me honestly how they are when they ask. :-)

[duskpeterson]

"I have a question for all of you: people talk a lot about feeling like they're losing social skills during the pandemic, do you feel that's true for you?"

"Social skills"? What is this thing you call "social skills"?

A ditto on the sentiment of: Never had 'em. But I must say that everything that you mention sounds wonderfully social to me. Especially making googly eyes at the cat. I mean, a cat is there, what do they expect you to do?

(Probably everybody else was staring too, but were better at hiding it and at muttering, "Aw, sweet kitty!" without moving their lips while the mute was on.)

[lydamorehouse]

I think you nailed it with the last bit. I'm NOT GOOD at being subtle! I think that's my main problem.

[duskpeterson]

You were the one who publicly validated the feelings everyone else was having. (*Pops champagne cork for the out-of-the-closet cat adorer.*)

[xochiquetzl]

Unlike many jobs, mine has always had no meetings in my sub-department; the developers meet all the time, but me and the other "ops" guy... don't. So all of my human interaction is over instant messenger or text message except for my writer's group every other week, unless I personally arrange a Zoom call and invite friends.

I don't consider scheduling my forte. ;) (Scheduling is HARD; let's do math instead!)

I've actually gotten really quiet in our group texts because they're mostly active... when I'm actively working. :(

ANYWAY.

So, I've always been... kind of blurty? like, I can insert non-sequiturs into conversations with the best of 'em, and I realize it's not always welcome so sometimes I just shut up and nod a lot in conversations. OTOH, if the conversation is [insert piece of media I haven't seen here], yeah, I don't have anything to add, smile and nod. Also, I sometimes have things to add but the conversation just passes me by without any opportunity to say it because I can't get a word in edgewise, so I can either interrupt people, or I wait 30 minutes for other people to stop talking so I can share my brilliant 30-minute-old insight, and that's apparently wrong, too.

I'm worse now.

Yeah, I blurt more and also jump straight into the TMI as well. Which. Yes. As you point out there's supposed to be a call and response thing with "How are you?", but I LOATHE that?

Examples from the before times:

Me: *drags self into grocery line coughing, loudly blows nose, places 25 cold and flu remedies, Amy's no-chicken soup, saltine crackers, anti-emetic, anti-diarrheal, etc. on belt*
Perky grocery checker: HI! How are you?
Me: *bites back answer "How the (#)*@@#& do you think I am?" and grunts something vaguely positive sounding*

Me: *arrives at bank in all black and tear-stained, tries to sob quietly and with dignity and fails*
Perky Teller: Hi! How are you?
Me: *thinks "You're just taunting me, aren't you? I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT ()*@#& YOU."* I need to close my mother's bank account. Here's her death certificate.

(It's not their fault. Their employer makes them do it in the name of invasive overfamiliarity friendliness.)

<TMI>I actually went on a mini-campaign after my parents died to say the words "dead" and "died" as many times as possible because euphemisms like "passed" just... pissed me off. Yes, she was driving on the highway and the person in front of her was too slow, that's what happened, she's fine how are you? Ugh. I felt, rightly or wrongly, that euphemisms were to protect other people from the realization that humans die, and felt that wasn't my job while I was busy grieving.</TMI>

And I'm doing it again. Because I'M WORSE.

Anyway. Yes. Someday I'll talk to humans again. We'll see how that goes.

[lydamorehouse]

I totally get what you're saying about death. After Ella died, I went through a very similar thing. Other parents have the weirdest tendency to see you pushing your smol on a swing and say, "Oh, is he your only child?" Like, what? I'm going to say, "No, I left the other one in the trunk of the car." But, this of course always put me, in particular, in a real conundrum. Do I say, "Yes," and deny that we had child who died, or say, "No," and then blurt out the fact that our first child was stillborn and then deal with their awkward responses.

I decided FUCK 'EM. I'm not responsible for how other people react and it felt AWFUL not to acknowledge the loss.

So, the scenario now goes:

Me: *swinging Mason next to some other parent, doing same to theirs* *accidentally make eye contact*

Them: "Is he your only child?"

Me: "No, our first, Ella, was stillborn."

Them: *clearly struck dumb with horror*

Me: "Yeah, I decided some time ago that I'm not responsible for how you're feeling right now. I need to acknowledge my loss. Otherwise I feel like I've betrayed her memory. Nice weather, huh?"

AWKWARD.

But, seriously, you and I are NOT responsible for the fact that Western culture doesn't fucking know how to deal with death. TOO BAD. I need to care for my own emotional well being and mental health!

So, yeah, I'm always going to be the awkward one in the room.

Come sit next to me. You are one of my people. We can be awkwardly overly vulnerable together.

[xochiquetzl]

YES.

It's a lot of pressure to put on a grieving person--being responsible for the tender sensibilities of the non-grieving who don't want to think about death. Yeah no. I'm not taking that on. I have my own emotional well being to look after and don't need responsibility for theirs.