Social Skills and the Pandemic

[lydamorehouse]

I have a question for all of you: people talk a lot about feeling like they're losing social skills during the pandemic, do you feel that's true for you? If so, what social skills, in particular, are you noticing yourself (or worrying about) failing?

It seems pretty typical (at least if you go by internet meme) that a lot of us are feeling like we don't have much to talk about. But, beyond that what are you feeling awkward about?

My wife, when I asked her this, said that she is feeling like sometimes she goes straight to TMI with colleagues at work that she's not ACTUALLY that close to. Her example was that someone might ask her, "How are you?" Which, as we know as Westerners, you're not REALLY supposed to answer, but instead do the call and response answer, "I'm fine, how are you?" Shawn has been finding herself skipping the traditional "pleasantries" and going straight to, "I dunno, I've eaten cereal for the last three meals and randomly burst into tears over cat videos, you?" Personally, if we stop with the pretend greeting post-pandemic, I won't mind. I prefer a little emotional honesty in my random greetings with strangers, but I've always been weird like that. I have, in the Before Times, been known to answer "How are you?" with "Not great, honestly, my cat just died," which then actually led this stranger--my barista--into helping us get Willow, so it's NOT ALWAYS A DISASTER to be honest.

Shawn also said that she's getting mad at some of the Zoom etiquette.  She misses the spontaneity of  in-person meetings. (Yeah, take a moment and digest that. MY WIFE MISSES her corporate MEETINGS. Things are BAD, people. Things are REALLY bad!!)  But, in specific, she hates the whole 'raise hand' function, while totally understanding its necessity. She really misses being able to go "oh!" when you have an idea or thought and have people notice and ask if you want to share. As it happens, in so many of these meetings, she'll have an idea, miss her opportunity to raise her hand, write it into chat, where it will get missed in the barrage of other chat messages.

I feel this, because I think I'm the OTHER person in social and semi-social meetings. I accidentally interrupted my Japanese class last night because the instructor noticed me making googly eyes at one of my classmate's cat.  I mean, it was a CAT. Plus, the cat was on his shoulder and I LOVE shoulder cats, but that was awkward, and I suppose that would be a sign of my social skills slipping EXCEPT I am always that person who suddenly interjects with DOGGO! or, literally, SQUIRREL!

When I asked my son this same question, his answer was that he feels he's been giving in to the impulse to dominate a Zoom call if everyone else is staring at the screen like a zombie. Again, this is totally a problem I have had since the Before Times. He agreed that he has had that, too? But, for him, it's noticing that he's doing it, but awkwardly doing it anyway because he can no longer stand the stretches of awkward silences. (Which, to be fair to him, is more problematic. It's important to make space in conversations for silences.)

I guess the point of all this is that I'm starting to think that when the pandemic is over, there are going to be a lot of people with MY social skills. Like all the things that used to make me weird (talking to myself, over sharing, interrupting, and generally wanting to be noticed in a conversation) are all going to be the norm.

Thoughts?

Comments

[xochiquetzl]

Unlike many jobs, mine has always had no meetings in my sub-department; the developers meet all the time, but me and the other "ops" guy... don't. So all of my human interaction is over instant messenger or text message except for my writer's group every other week, unless I personally arrange a Zoom call and invite friends.

I don't consider scheduling my forte. ;) (Scheduling is HARD; let's do math instead!)

I've actually gotten really quiet in our group texts because they're mostly active... when I'm actively working. :(

ANYWAY.

So, I've always been... kind of blurty? like, I can insert non-sequiturs into conversations with the best of 'em, and I realize it's not always welcome so sometimes I just shut up and nod a lot in conversations. OTOH, if the conversation is [insert piece of media I haven't seen here], yeah, I don't have anything to add, smile and nod. Also, I sometimes have things to add but the conversation just passes me by without any opportunity to say it because I can't get a word in edgewise, so I can either interrupt people, or I wait 30 minutes for other people to stop talking so I can share my brilliant 30-minute-old insight, and that's apparently wrong, too.

I'm worse now.

Yeah, I blurt more and also jump straight into the TMI as well. Which. Yes. As you point out there's supposed to be a call and response thing with "How are you?", but I LOATHE that?

Examples from the before times:

Me: *drags self into grocery line coughing, loudly blows nose, places 25 cold and flu remedies, Amy's no-chicken soup, saltine crackers, anti-emetic, anti-diarrheal, etc. on belt*
Perky grocery checker: HI! How are you?
Me: *bites back answer "How the (#)*@@#& do you think I am?" and grunts something vaguely positive sounding*

Me: *arrives at bank in all black and tear-stained, tries to sob quietly and with dignity and fails*
Perky Teller: Hi! How are you?
Me: *thinks "You're just taunting me, aren't you? I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT ()*@#& YOU."* I need to close my mother's bank account. Here's her death certificate.

(It's not their fault. Their employer makes them do it in the name of invasive overfamiliarity friendliness.)

<TMI>I actually went on a mini-campaign after my parents died to say the words "dead" and "died" as many times as possible because euphemisms like "passed" just... pissed me off. Yes, she was driving on the highway and the person in front of her was too slow, that's what happened, she's fine how are you? Ugh. I felt, rightly or wrongly, that euphemisms were to protect other people from the realization that humans die, and felt that wasn't my job while I was busy grieving.</TMI>

And I'm doing it again. Because I'M WORSE.

Anyway. Yes. Someday I'll talk to humans again. We'll see how that goes.

[lydamorehouse]

I totally get what you're saying about death. After Ella died, I went through a very similar thing. Other parents have the weirdest tendency to see you pushing your smol on a swing and say, "Oh, is he your only child?" Like, what? I'm going to say, "No, I left the other one in the trunk of the car." But, this of course always put me, in particular, in a real conundrum. Do I say, "Yes," and deny that we had child who died, or say, "No," and then blurt out the fact that our first child was stillborn and then deal with their awkward responses.

I decided FUCK 'EM. I'm not responsible for how other people react and it felt AWFUL not to acknowledge the loss.

So, the scenario now goes:

Me: *swinging Mason next to some other parent, doing same to theirs* *accidentally make eye contact*

Them: "Is he your only child?"

Me: "No, our first, Ella, was stillborn."

Them: *clearly struck dumb with horror*

Me: "Yeah, I decided some time ago that I'm not responsible for how you're feeling right now. I need to acknowledge my loss. Otherwise I feel like I've betrayed her memory. Nice weather, huh?"

AWKWARD.

But, seriously, you and I are NOT responsible for the fact that Western culture doesn't fucking know how to deal with death. TOO BAD. I need to care for my own emotional well being and mental health!

So, yeah, I'm always going to be the awkward one in the room.

Come sit next to me. You are one of my people. We can be awkwardly overly vulnerable together.

[xochiquetzl]

YES.

It's a lot of pressure to put on a grieving person--being responsible for the tender sensibilities of the non-grieving who don't want to think about death. Yeah no. I'm not taking that on. I have my own emotional well being to look after and don't need responsibility for theirs.