Whale Songs of Time Passed
Jun. 21st, 2011 10:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lydamorehouseI didn't post yesterday because, over the weekend, my wireless hotspot died. I'm beginning to think we may have always had a slightly defective model, but what happened (in the simplest terms) was that stuff that was supposed to stay on the inside came outside. Bad, right? The good news is that CLEAR sent a replacement right away. I called them on Friday morning and we had a new modem-y-thing/hotspot by Monday afternoon.
I was on-line long enough to check my email, but I had to use... GASP... dial-up. Yeah, I still have it. Actually, you'd be surprised how often it comes in handy to have a low-tech back-up. Of course, this from the woman who still can't even find a PAPER copy of her "12 Traditions" short story to re-key/have someone scan.
This morning we had a lot tears. Mason can be downright rude on ocassion and Mom and I are losing patience with him. We've asked him to start saying "please" and "thank you" instead of just rudely saying things like, "Get that for me." The only change we'd like is a please in front of that, you know? My brilliant thought this morning was that if he continues to be rude, we'll have him put 50 cents of his allowance into a "politeness jar." A physical and monetary reminder to add a please or a thank you.
Well, Mason FREAKED (which, as I told him, only cemented the need for this new policy.) I mean, you'd think we'd asked him to cut off a limb. But, despite wicked allergies this morning, I managed to stay firm and very calmly remind him over and over and over and over that we are only asking for basic politeness. He won't lose anything if he can remember to say "please." This isn't about taking things away from him for no good reason, it's about making the stakes important enough to inspire him to REALLY change and to think about what he's doing.
Mason sometimes has weird disconnects about this stuff, particularly in terms of consequences for behavior. We've worked on this a lot, with varying degrees of success, but sometimes he doesn't seem to GET that he can be responsible for/manage how he presents himself to the world, even when (internally) he feels a different way. He also has a surprising (to me, every time) defeatest/fatalistic attitude about inacting changes in behavior. Basically, I get a lot of, "I can't change who I am." To which, I constantly and consistantly reply, "Yes, but you can change how you talk (or react or whatever)."
I partially blame myself for this. I mean, I've always told him that expressing his feelings is okay. Now I'm seemingly changing the rules by telling him to alter the way in which he expresses his feelings. I've been trying to approach this by reminding him that it's still okay to have the emotions he has, but he just needs to take a breath before screaming or being rude and consider other options.
Alas, this is probably a life-long project. And one I'm not sure I'm particularly well suited for. I've always been a fairly empathetic person. I think it's one of the things that makes me a good writer. It's never difficult for me to put myself in someone else's position, imagine as parents might ask, "how would you'd feel if someone said (or did) that to YOU?" Mason has a lot more difficulty going there, and that baffles me. I waste a lot of my parenting time wondering why he isn't more like me. I just need to remember he's not as intuitively empathetic and that these things do not come naturally for him, and start there.... instead of having whiplash each time this comes up.
What so baffling about this politeness issue is that Shawn and I are constantly modeling the behavior we'd like to see. I can hardly ask for something without adding a "please" automatically. So it's not like we're expecting him to do something we haven't ALWAYS done in front of him.
I think that another thing that's hard as a parent. I kind of always assumed that my kid would pick up on behavoirs he sees me doing. He's certainly picked up my out-going, talkitive nature. I see plenty of my least favorite personality traits showing up in his behavior. Why not this one? Why did this one bounce off?
Well, I think that after tha LONG and exhaustive talk we had today about it, things might be sinking in. I'm going to make our "politeness jar" now and hope that we've had some kind of break through.
I was on-line long enough to check my email, but I had to use... GASP... dial-up. Yeah, I still have it. Actually, you'd be surprised how often it comes in handy to have a low-tech back-up. Of course, this from the woman who still can't even find a PAPER copy of her "12 Traditions" short story to re-key/have someone scan.
This morning we had a lot tears. Mason can be downright rude on ocassion and Mom and I are losing patience with him. We've asked him to start saying "please" and "thank you" instead of just rudely saying things like, "Get that for me." The only change we'd like is a please in front of that, you know? My brilliant thought this morning was that if he continues to be rude, we'll have him put 50 cents of his allowance into a "politeness jar." A physical and monetary reminder to add a please or a thank you.
Well, Mason FREAKED (which, as I told him, only cemented the need for this new policy.) I mean, you'd think we'd asked him to cut off a limb. But, despite wicked allergies this morning, I managed to stay firm and very calmly remind him over and over and over and over that we are only asking for basic politeness. He won't lose anything if he can remember to say "please." This isn't about taking things away from him for no good reason, it's about making the stakes important enough to inspire him to REALLY change and to think about what he's doing.
Mason sometimes has weird disconnects about this stuff, particularly in terms of consequences for behavior. We've worked on this a lot, with varying degrees of success, but sometimes he doesn't seem to GET that he can be responsible for/manage how he presents himself to the world, even when (internally) he feels a different way. He also has a surprising (to me, every time) defeatest/fatalistic attitude about inacting changes in behavior. Basically, I get a lot of, "I can't change who I am." To which, I constantly and consistantly reply, "Yes, but you can change how you talk (or react or whatever)."
I partially blame myself for this. I mean, I've always told him that expressing his feelings is okay. Now I'm seemingly changing the rules by telling him to alter the way in which he expresses his feelings. I've been trying to approach this by reminding him that it's still okay to have the emotions he has, but he just needs to take a breath before screaming or being rude and consider other options.
Alas, this is probably a life-long project. And one I'm not sure I'm particularly well suited for. I've always been a fairly empathetic person. I think it's one of the things that makes me a good writer. It's never difficult for me to put myself in someone else's position, imagine as parents might ask, "how would you'd feel if someone said (or did) that to YOU?" Mason has a lot more difficulty going there, and that baffles me. I waste a lot of my parenting time wondering why he isn't more like me. I just need to remember he's not as intuitively empathetic and that these things do not come naturally for him, and start there.... instead of having whiplash each time this comes up.
What so baffling about this politeness issue is that Shawn and I are constantly modeling the behavior we'd like to see. I can hardly ask for something without adding a "please" automatically. So it's not like we're expecting him to do something we haven't ALWAYS done in front of him.
I think that another thing that's hard as a parent. I kind of always assumed that my kid would pick up on behavoirs he sees me doing. He's certainly picked up my out-going, talkitive nature. I see plenty of my least favorite personality traits showing up in his behavior. Why not this one? Why did this one bounce off?
Well, I think that after tha LONG and exhaustive talk we had today about it, things might be sinking in. I'm going to make our "politeness jar" now and hope that we've had some kind of break through.
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no subject
Date: 2011-06-21 04:05 pm (UTC)Rather than fining my kid, I remind him by refusing to do what he wants until he rephrases his requests. I've been doing that since he was a preschooler.
"I'm thirsty!"
"Oh, really? What do you think you should do about that?"
"Orange juice!" (He sometimes actually points and grunts.)
"How do you think you should ask me so that I'll do what you want?"
"Can I have some orange juice, please?"
"Certainly."
I'm working on "Would you pour me some orange juice, please," but I don't know when we'll get there.
We have found that this approach works on whining as well.
Date: 2011-06-22 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-21 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-21 05:06 pm (UTC)Politeness jar
Date: 2011-06-21 05:53 pm (UTC)We are working with ours on "answering back."
Date: 2011-06-22 07:22 am (UTC)PJ loves charts, we have discovered, and is especially enamored of the circle-slash "no" sign. So we post these charts and she gets to tick them off if she avoids the circle-slashed behavior or does the desired behavior in a timely manner, and then when she racks up a certain number of ticks she gets a lollipop. She's only 4, though; I have no idea how long the chart-lovin' phase will last. Good luck with the politeness jar!
Re: We are working with ours on "answering back."
Date: 2011-06-22 02:41 pm (UTC)OTOH, sometimes it's fun to model the wrong-on-purpose: "Beulah! Peel me a grape!" Everyone forgets sometimes. (Me, I finally became much more consistently polite when I partnered with a well-brought-up Brit type at age 30. I hope none of you have to wait that long.)
no subject
Date: 2011-06-22 06:30 pm (UTC)http://msagara.livejournal.com/tag/asperger%20child