First Date-versary -- 35 years-ish
Dec. 2nd, 2020 12:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lydamorehouse Yesterday was the day that Shawn and I have retro-fitted to be our (first date) anniversary. At some point in December of 1985, I asked this amazing woman out to Target to go Christmas shopping with me. I probably didn't know I was a lesbian yet, but I knew there was something about this lady. After all, I moved in to her dorm room pretty much the next day.
Fulfilling the U-Haul stereotype without even realizing it.
I posted this date-versaary on Facebook and heard from some college friends who were like, freshman year???? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? And, I had to add in the comments the caveat that I always do. Yes, we count back that far. Yes, we also dated other people in that time period.
The thing that is embarrassing for both of us to admit is that we were "friends with benefits" from the start, but Shawn wasn't ready to consider that real and I wasn't ready to consider that real--so she dated some boys and I dated some girls, but the thing is? I moved in in 1985, and I never moved out.... I am still living with her. So, maybe we should get to count that? As some point in our relationship, we tried to figure out when exactly we should make our anniversary (never figuring we'd GET a wedding anniversary,) and so we decided that we, in fact, did need to consider that messy period because we were actually together that whole time, not just "roommates."
Even though, in this case, it was a lie we ourselves perpetrated.
If I could go back? I would have been more honest with my girlfriends. They never had a chance with me. I was cheating on them the whole time... I was just dumb about it because I didn't think Shawn would ever be able to commit to me. Doesn't make it right, however, you know? To be fair, the smart ones figured it out. They were smarter than I was, frankly. It took both Shawn and I a stupid long time (and a lot of broken hearts) to realize that maybe the reason we couldn't make it happen with other people is because we were already deeply emotionally and physically committed to each other.
This is why, when people say things about how they wish they were 20 again, I think: TWENTY? No way! I had no idea who I even was at 20!
But this is the long way of saying, Shawn and I celebrated THIRTY-FIVE years together yesterday!
We had take out from Magic Noodle. Yum!
Anyway, I do think this is a thing that is possibly a little more unique to queer couples. Straight people don't seem to not have to figure out that they are sleeping together. I think partly because straight sex is something people understand the component parts of? Mostly? Though I have heard people saying they haven't had sex yet, despite engaging in acts that I would definitely consider sexual, just because tab A was not inserted into slot B. If someone got off, you probably had sex? I mean, I guess the problem is that's also not always true with tab A and slot B for straight people?
I guess the thing is: sexuality is complicated.
Probably not the conversation you expected to have here though, eh? :-) I promise to return to food now.
Fulfilling the U-Haul stereotype without even realizing it.
I posted this date-versaary on Facebook and heard from some college friends who were like, freshman year???? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? And, I had to add in the comments the caveat that I always do. Yes, we count back that far. Yes, we also dated other people in that time period.
The thing that is embarrassing for both of us to admit is that we were "friends with benefits" from the start, but Shawn wasn't ready to consider that real and I wasn't ready to consider that real--so she dated some boys and I dated some girls, but the thing is? I moved in in 1985, and I never moved out.... I am still living with her. So, maybe we should get to count that? As some point in our relationship, we tried to figure out when exactly we should make our anniversary (never figuring we'd GET a wedding anniversary,) and so we decided that we, in fact, did need to consider that messy period because we were actually together that whole time, not just "roommates."
Even though, in this case, it was a lie we ourselves perpetrated.
If I could go back? I would have been more honest with my girlfriends. They never had a chance with me. I was cheating on them the whole time... I was just dumb about it because I didn't think Shawn would ever be able to commit to me. Doesn't make it right, however, you know? To be fair, the smart ones figured it out. They were smarter than I was, frankly. It took both Shawn and I a stupid long time (and a lot of broken hearts) to realize that maybe the reason we couldn't make it happen with other people is because we were already deeply emotionally and physically committed to each other.
This is why, when people say things about how they wish they were 20 again, I think: TWENTY? No way! I had no idea who I even was at 20!
But this is the long way of saying, Shawn and I celebrated THIRTY-FIVE years together yesterday!
We had take out from Magic Noodle. Yum!
Anyway, I do think this is a thing that is possibly a little more unique to queer couples. Straight people don't seem to not have to figure out that they are sleeping together. I think partly because straight sex is something people understand the component parts of? Mostly? Though I have heard people saying they haven't had sex yet, despite engaging in acts that I would definitely consider sexual, just because tab A was not inserted into slot B. If someone got off, you probably had sex? I mean, I guess the problem is that's also not always true with tab A and slot B for straight people?
I guess the thing is: sexuality is complicated.
Probably not the conversation you expected to have here though, eh? :-) I promise to return to food now.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-02 06:50 pm (UTC)I've known some other couples who figured out decades later "oh, we were together the whole time, really" -- some straight ones, too, altho those seem to be a lot fewer.
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Date: 2020-12-03 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-02 07:39 pm (UTC)It's complicated for straight couples too. Richard and I had a 9-month old baby when we finally got around to getting married, so I've never really thought of our actual wedding anniversary as meaning anything at all. When people ask "Which anniversary is this?" I am confused about how to answer. Technically, we just celebrated our 40th on Halloween, but we were clearly committed to each other before that, so the number means nothing to me.
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Date: 2020-12-03 05:59 pm (UTC)For us the numbers are important, if only because there's (or was) a lot of propaganda that queer couples don't last because we're... I'm not sure? Slutty? Unstable? Always on the look out for straight people to corrupt?
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Date: 2020-12-03 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-02 08:25 pm (UTC)That's fascinating, really. It took me a long-ass time to figure out I was bi, though my one girlfriend was like, "hey, are we dating now???" so at least that bit was clear.
Relationships are weird. I'm bad at them, generally speaking.
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Date: 2020-12-03 05:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 12:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 06:00 pm (UTC)Thanks!
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Date: 2020-12-03 03:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 04:46 am (UTC)I am so glad I'm not 20 anymore because, speaking of the failure to understand the component parts of heterosexual sex, that was when I spent an entire year tying myself up in knots over the truly idiotic question of whether you are still a virgin if tab A went into slot B, but only about an inch and for a second, and then his roommates all barged in the house yelling, "We got pizza!" and the guy you were attempting to have sex for the sole purpose of not being a virgin anymore fell off the bed and was so embarrassed that he never spoke to you again until you met up ten years later at an anime convention.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 06:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 06:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 09:27 pm (UTC)Yeah, I've heard the term "technical virgin" for a heterosexual woman who'd done everything except inserting Tab A into any slots. Honestly, the idea of inserting Tab A into Slot B has such a stranglehold on people's conception of what sex is that lots of people don't know how to define what non-Tab-A-Slot-B getting off is, IMHO.
And yes, my 20s weren't amazing. 30s-50s are a lot better for me so far.