Safety Tools in RPG

[lydamorehouse]

 Because I'm NOT going to go into it with my role-playing group, I'm going to take a moment to rant here.

First off, if you've never heard of safety tools in TTRPGs, there is a really lovely FREE resource here: https://www.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/288535/consent-in-gaming. The booklet is short, but really valuable and it comes with a free consent form that's PDF formfillable. 

I know that a lot of people take issue with the idea that consent and saftey have become "codified" in RPGs. I'm here to tell you that if you actually read the free resource I direct you to, you will see that 1) they are not, and 2) they were never intended to be. Safety is a thing that needs to be flexible, individual, and organic--as well as generally part of the culture of a table--to function as intended. If your GM has built in good communication and trust from the start, it's absoluely NOT REQUIRED that every table use them. But, like if you do need them, it's important to actually UNDERSTAND the point of how and why and what best practices look like. An open table is great, but --

There also needs to be space for anonimity.

One of my groups is currently sharing a consent form on an Excel spreedsheet. Seems like a decent solution, in some ways, so that everyone's answer can be kept all together, right? Well, I mean, yes, if it's all just performative and provided there isn't anything truly sensitive that someone might not actually want the entire group to know.

Like, I think most of my friend group knows WHY I do not want storylines that involve stillbirth or endangered pregnancies, but I also sometimes am not feeling up to reliving my loss to explain to people who don't. When you have a private form, there is usually space for the reply to include specific information about what exactly triggers you and what doesn't in a way that doesn't have to involve the entire table being involved, if you don't want that. Like, sometimes I will still cry when I talk about Ella? And, maybe I'm at a new table where I'd rather not have someone's first impression of me be as a bawling mess... 

But even on a shared form, if I wanted to actually give the GM more detail, it would have to be written as "Lyda would like to not have this paricular scenario for these reasons." Or, I just have to take a risk that the GM understands my specific triggers, which, honestly, still sometimes includes someone saying "stat!" in an emergency medical situation EVEN OUT OF THE CONTEXT OF A PREGNANCY. 

Because that's how Shawn and I first learned that Ella was dead.

But, there's no space to have a private conversation where I could spell out some of my specific needs on a form shared with everyone.

Also, a lot of consent forms are designed (including the one that is currently being shared) to include things that you would enthusiastically consent to. I went ahead and checked the things I actually enjoy seeing played out in fiction, but... like, these are ALSO the sorts of things I would like to be able to explain privately. Because just writing "Slavery, Yay!" or "Racism, Yay!" kind of actually feels gross out of context, when what I mean is "in the context of ancient Rome and fantasy settings therein" or "like between elves and orcs."

But, let's be honest. 

I'm not at all surprised to discover a deep misunderstanding how to actually USE safety tools from this particular individual. 

We've played this game for seven years and this is our first introduction to Lines and Veils/Consent at all. Moreover, I fully expect this particular GM to use this consent form as a weapon, as in "You didn't mark it! You are not allowed to feel differently in a different context or at a later date!!"

He has already rules-lawyered my use of an X-Card to express a need to back away from something. He insisted to me both in public (in an email) and in a private message that I misused X-Card and Lines and Veils is the MORE CORRECT term.  Thanks for taking the time to scold my use of language when what I am expressing is "ouch," but whatever. That already made it perfectly clear to me that  if I don't use the right term my feelings are not valid and will not be addressed. 

But, I understand that empathy is a sin now.

What else should I even expect of people in a world like this?

Comments

[lcohen]

i'm sending you a *hug*. as with everything else this week, i am conflicted about what to do about this. i guess there might be email--you know what i'm like.

[lydamorehouse]

Thanks. And, of course, I would happily chat with you about all this.

I mean, you should feel free to fill out the form. I did? It will be, in fact, very obvious that I did, since "stillbirth" has now been filled in, in the "fill in other" section. Also, awkwardly, Classism is listed as "bring it!" but without context... so....

[sabotabby]

*hugs*

I was thinking along these lines. The particular scenario isn't a thing that would have occurred to anyone to put as a line. The reason it's a problem is genocide, but it's not a plot about genocide. The GM didn't intend it as such, everyone interpreted it as such, and I don't see any way that a Lines and Veils system could have prevented that particular landmine.

Consent and safety tools are even more engrained in LARP because the consequences for triggering someone in that environment are typically more dire because of how immersive it is. And also because, to put it bluntly, LARP is a rape-fest at a structural level, most LARPers don't want to play in a feeding ground for predators, and they just pile rules and consent on top of the game in the hopes that this will somehow prevent this. In my experience, though, nearly every larger LARP I've been involved with has become a rape-fest anyway. It turns out that you can make all the rules you want, but rules are not magic and you cannot foresee ways in which either a well-intentioned person will trigger someone or a nefariously intentioned person will get around the rules.

I don't have a solution, just...this is not the only time I've seen consent rules retroactively applied and I've never seen it help.

[lydamorehouse]

Your experiences with LARPs is both... really fascinating (because I only ever dreamed of LARPing--Vampire, the Masquerade, no less,) and horrifying.

And, of course you're right. The whole point of being conscious of the idea of saftey in any RPG is so that people can DO THEIR BEST to avoid it. As you know, it's going to happen unintentionally sometimes. There's just no way to foresee every trigger. So, the best pratice is... to be kind. To apologize or make amends where you can, let the injured person know their feelings are valued and respected, and to involve everyone that wants to be involved in making it right (or right enough) going forward--including allowing the injured party to have agency over their own pain (if they want! For folks with PTSD, it can be valuable to have the ability to direct and rewrite a story to underscore redirecting their own, Real Life issues.)

But you know all that. It's clear you're sympathetic and empathetic and have had lots of experience dealing with this--probably in lots of different contexts! Isn't teaching in some ways a daily excercise in threading a lot of these same issues?

I also don't know where we go from here, but, despite everything, I remain open and hopeful. I am really hoping that just walking away from the table for a session or two will help reset things for me and I can return to at least where we WERE.

[sabotabby]

Oh, definitely teaching is similar. We have all kinds of behavioural and safety plans and the thing that causes drama most routinely is that I have four or five spinny chairs in my classroom and sometimes the kids want a particular one. My choices are to tolerate the occasional disruption, if more than the number of kids who want those chairs show up on a given day, or if they're high and fail to see that there are enough spinny chairs, or I can remove all spinny chairs in the class and no one gets them. Choices I do not have are to have different kids who don't fight over dumb shit, or implement rules and restrictions around them.

(Which, to digress, is an issue with the cellphone ban. It may be well-intentioned, but it's unenforceable with the current structure or without spending a lot of money. You can make a rule, and then what?)

I hope we can get back to normal. I do love the game so.

[bibliofile]

Crap, I have friends who LARP'd, and now I'm somewhat horrified. I think my friends were okay, but not having heard of any trouble may not be a good sign. Dammit.

[sabotabby]

Might depend on the community. But in general for me, in any LARP community, there are people who are very bad at boundaries and very touch-starved outside of the game, and they tend to want very clear rules, and then they rule-lawyer these rules.

[xochiquetzl]

................

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[lydamorehouse]

It's a microcosom of the bigger problem with empathy right now. I think that's why it's hitting harder than it should.

[lydamorehouse]

Oh, but thanks! Knowing people sympathize means a lot!

[j00j]

<3 This stuff is hard to do well, but it's downright painful when someone is responding with rules lawyering and utter lack of empathy and defensiveness instead of going "okay, we have new information about what the group needs now, let's figure out how to make it work." (which sometimes means shelving the GM's darling plot point and/or their attempt to work out their own shit via a game or something)

[lydamorehouse]

Thanks, that's exactly right.

I don't expect anyone to handle all of it perfectly all of the time. Just to meet us with a little kindness and a little adult. (<--that last one is especially hard, and I honestly do understand what it feels like to have been called out. I once triggered someone with a piece of fic that I didn't label appropriately, and it takes a lot not to respond to hurt with hurt. But you know what? If you step on someone's toe, you just need to start by saying "Oh, I'm sorry!")

[bibliofile]

Oh geez, I didn't know about safety tools in TTRPGs before, but they make so much sense to me.

Of course it's not surprising that they aren't always implemented very well. But your GM isn't helping, dammit. So many missing clues, argh.

[caffeine]

*hugs*
I guess that is a huge advantage of playing with the same group for *cough* 31 *cough* years; we already know each other's issues and know to avoid certain topics.
Not to be a grognard, but 30+ years ago, session 0 was just character creation time. I really like the idea behind this and can definitely see use for it pick up groups, or large rotating groups where you won't know everyone.