Home Again

[lydamorehouse]

I always feel like a complete alien at Christian funerals.

For those of you who are not intimately familiar with my life so far, I was raised a secular humanist Unitarian Universalist. I add that first part, because many UUs are, in fact, Christian. We were not. I did, however, spend three years in a Catholic grade school (4th, 5th and 6th grade) and my extended family are all Roman Catholic. So, I guess I'm not a full alien to it all, but sort of like.an odd cousin out.  (Do not, however, feel the need to explain Christianity to me. For one, I am an American, I'm soaking in it, but also please keep in mind that I wrote five books that center around religion and I did my reading!)

Upon arrival at the church, both Mason and I noticed, at least, coming in that there was a "All Are Welcome" pride sticker on the door. The pastor was a young-ish woman and did not choke or blink when I was introduced as Shawn's wife. So, that was something, though I was interrogated after the service by some blue-haired ladies, but I will get to that in a moment. 

The church itself had an airy feel, in part because they did something very unique with the stained glass:



Image: Not the usual full panes of stained glass, instead art pieces hung in front of a circular bay of windows. 

Because I was not following along on all the Jesus stuff (and because I am objectively a terrible person) during the service, my mind wandered. My attention kept being drawn to the window at the far left. 




Trying NOT to see what I thought I saw:


Image: Tell me what you see, Dr. Freud.

If this were a Catholic church (which it was not, Margaret and her family are Lutherans), I would know exactly what this window was meant to symbolize: the Annunciation. There's the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove... uh, let's say "pollinating" in deference to any of you who might find ruder language to be blasphemous, the vulva-shaped womb of Mary.... and there are the those blue lilies at the bottom, clearly showing off their, er, stamen and lilies are generally a metaphorical stand in for, uh, again let's go with--Gabriel's "message" from God.

Not that the image is nearly as subtle as I'm trying to be. That central image in the red interior is taking away a lot of the metaphor for me, personally. Like, I don't know what possessed the artist to go with that, but I don't know how you see that as anything other than what it looks like to my dirty mind.  Let's just say, mushrooms are not typical images associated with Christ.

Also, because of who I am, I went up to the pastor afterwards when it was clear she had finished making her rounds with the mourners and just asked. I said, "I'm not Christian, pastor, can you explain the iconography here?" She stammered and handed me a pamphlet. The pamphlet was, much like most sex ed materials, decidedly unhelpful and instead of explaining anything I was actually looking at, it talked about "the waters of creation" and salvation in Jesus Christ, Our Lord. So, my guess is that I'm kind of right? Like, I see lilies, but I could go with water breaking from the womb the gushing waters of capital c, Creation. 

Besides my dirty obsession with this stained glass, there were a couple of other unusual parts of the service. This may be the first funeral EVER where the Revelation of John was read as one of the readings. For reasons that the pastor later explained, but which still felt like a stretch to me, we got Revelation 22:2

Which, in the King James version, reads thusly:

 In the midst of the street of it, and on either side of the river, was there the tree of life, which bare twelve manner of fruits, and yielded her fruit every month: and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.

Which is generally strange out of context, but which refers to the "new" Jerusalem which will arise in the thousand year reign of Jesus returned, in which all the streets are orderly and golden, etc. etc. So, at least, this is during the "nice" part of the End Times, I guess. The pastor, in her sermon, explained she chose this section because it referenced a sense of everything being in its place, prepared ahead of time, which was the sort of particular, tidy mouse that Margaret was. The sermon was actually very nice in terms "getting" who Margaret was at her core and letting people acknowledge that sometimes we didn't always want all the extra fuss she made for us. But, Revelation was a new one for me, generally. I might have actually gasped when they noted what they'd be reading.

It did make me think that--not that this would ever happen--but whether or not I could get someone to read the entire Revelation of John at my funeral. I just feel like someone should be ranting about the whore of Babylon and the four horsemen in a corner, while people are trying to remember me. And, of course, I did have to wonder what Margaret would think of it. She was enough of a church-goer I'm pretty sure she'd have been scandalized to have an apocalyptic text read. 

But, you know, churches are just sort of baffling to me. For instance, I was greeted by this sign in the women's bathroom.


Image: Sign that reads: "Wash your hands and say your prayers because Jesus & Germs are everywhere."

I posted this on Facebook because I thought it was funny, but I forgot that I would probably look like a sociopath for mentioning that it was spotted at my mother-in-law's funeral. Please don't think that? I'm just looking back at this with a more distant perspective. 

But, one last Jesus thing, if I may. There was, of course, communion at this service. Normally, I just opt out completely, but Mason and I exchanged a look when the pastor invited those who did not want to partake in communion to come up to the altar for a blessing. That seemed like the polite thing to do? But, we failed it. At this church, which has a cool roundness to that that does, in fact, do a lovely job of invoking a sense of being invited to God's table, the people receiving (the I guess NOT transubstantiated since these are Lutherans) Body of Christ, of which there was a gluten free option! were supposed to kneel before the pastor (and, apparently, also God??) Had I known that was part of the ritual, I would not have opted for the blessing, because I probably should have knelt, but didn't, so then Mason didn't either... and so there we are, standing literally in front of the rest of the congregation, as we were part of the first few to go up being seated just behind the family, clearly REFUSING JESUS. 

Like, had I to do it again, I would have just stayed in my seat and encouraged Mason to do the same. 

Or just knelt. 

Not sure what possessed me not to. Probably Satan!

But, so... immediately after the service was over and we were all headed for the post-service church basement luncheon, at least one blue-haired lady accosted me and demanded to know "Who exactly" I was to Margaret. So, I got to look at her and explain, "I am Margaret daughter-in-law's wife." That seemed to be an okay answer because I was no longer pressed to EXPLAIN MYSELF, though at least one other woman came up to our table at the luncheon to ask if I'd gone to high school in Valparaiso because I looked "so familiar." I demurred and explained that I have that kind of face and, sorry, but I have only ever come to Indiana to visit Margaret.

After she left, I explained to the table (which was just my immediate family and one of Margaret's daughter's cousins,) that I was pretty sure it was the haircut. I look like every butch lesbian that anyone has ever met.

The church luncheon was actually surprisingly yummy. They had really good fried chicken as the main. The rest was kind of meh, in the way of pot luck sides, but they had excellent cheesy potatoes, too. I actually had a very good meal at the luncheon, though I managed to immediately spill some greasy chicken on my silk shirt. As my friend Walter says, "If it's good enough to eat, it's good enough to wear." 

We had been sort of dreading hanging out after the service, but it turned out to be a perfect evening for sitting outside and catching up. Shawn's step-sister's cousin (I guess that makes her Margaret's niece?) was funny and sharp and really good company (we had adopted her to sit with us at the luncheon) and it turns out the one of Shawn's step-sister's kid's wife was a DELIGHT--she works with placing refugees and reuniting families that have been separated, but is also just generally a really interesting person. So, we did the business of reconnecting with family and the living, which is, in so many ways, the purpose of these sorts of things. There was closure for us, too, since one of the things everyone did was order a Margaret Rounds memorial pizza, which is what she used to always have for us whenever we arrived in Valparaiso for a visit. 

She will be missed. 

Comments

[profiterole_reads]

I can't believe you traumatised the pastor! XD

[lydamorehouse]

I clearly did.

Did I not mention that I'm a terrible person?

[the_siobhan]

Oh Gods, that brings back memories of my mother's funeral. She was Catholic and the priest kept asking me if I wanted certain things performed at her funeral and I had to keep reminding him that I was a heathen and I had no idea what those things were. And then when I was going up to do the reading I dropped my notes and accidentally said "fuck" into the microphone.

[lydamorehouse]

Hahaha.

OMG, I shouldn't laugh, but I can absolutely see myself doing the same thing.

My entire extended family (on both sides) are Roman Catholics and, despite all the "training" in those grade school years, I never know when to stand or what I'm supposed to say or sing at Mass. You have all my sympathy.

[mindstalk]

I was greeted by this sign in the women's bathroom

"I scrub and I scrub but I still can't get the Jesus out!"

Laughing at the Holy Vulva.

[lydamorehouse]

Right???

Plus, I don't know, I am also now imagining Jesus as some kind of virus? I forgot to wash my hands! OH NO! DID I PICK UP A CASE OF JESUS???

[pameladean]

This made me laugh so hard. Though I'm sorry for the blessing bit. They should really explain these things better. A lot of churches of any sort are insular and just expect that everybody REALLY knows what to do, but so many of us don't, and that's perfectly reasonable of us.

The bathroom sign just DID ME IN.

It's really great that the pastor did "get" Margaret, though. I've been to so many services where the pastor tried hard but obviously had no idea.

P.

[lydamorehouse]

Oh, I have, too. At least one of my grandparent's funerals (they blur, so I can't remember which) was saved by the Lutheran pastor in our family who was allowed to give a second homily that made us all weep with remembrance. Meanwhile, the actual priest who should have known them, because my grandpa was a deacon in the church and grandma was constantly there, just said some fill-in-the-blank nonsense. So, yes, we were lucky this time.

And, yeah, the other funny part about Communion was that even Margaret's daughter clearly didn't go to this church enough to know all the routines, because they had some special route you were clearly supposed to walk that they didn't, etc., which started everyone off wrong...that part would have also been hilarious if this wasn't a funeral, you know?

Ministers and pastors can do it right. We were incredibly lucky to have been recommended a very conscientious pastor for Ella's funeral. (Ella was our stillborn daughter.) This woman really, really listened to us and found a way to do one of the hardest funerals of all--one where there aren't stories of someone's life to share, etc. But, even though she was a UU who was Christian, she respected our wish not to have many (or any) references to any god or Heaven, though we gave her some alternative options such as the summer land--and we did say that Christians would be attending and we do have a god as well as a goddess, so... We had wanted to find a pagan minister, but we're such eclectics that we just weren't enough tapped into the community to find one. But Unitarians do have CUUPS (Convenient of UU Pagans) so they were close enough--and again, I have no regrets. She was incredible. Did everything right.

[minnehaha]

I am so charmed by your description of Margaret as a "particular, tidy mouse." I knew one of those!

K.

[lydamorehouse]

Yes! That's a line from Mrs. Tittlemouse" by Beatrix Potter, but we have used it to describe that particular personality ever since reading it.

[bibliofile]

So except for small traumas and without scandal, sounds like it went pretty well? We should all be so lucky.

[lydamorehouse]

It did actually go well. I think Margaret would have had a lot to gossip about afterwards, which in many ways also suited her personality! :-)

[sabotabby]

Cishet men are like, "I don't know what you mean about stained glass windows?? they're just regular windows."

Glad it went as good as it could.

[lydamorehouse]

Hahaha, yes. "I can not find this window you speak of" = cishet men.

And, yeah, it went pretty well, all and all. We have made plans to stay in touch with Shawn's step-sister, which is, of course, the big danger now that Margaret isn't there to draw us back to Valparaiso. I'm going to start writing snail mail to her (with no pressure for return mail), which is something that is easy for me, for whatever reason. But, I think it will help us stay connected. Plus, it's a good way to honor Margaret, who I also wrote to regularly until her eyesight completely failed.

[lcohen]

i have been at so many christian ceremonies because among things like weddings and funerals, i also have sung during a lot of services. i don't think i've ever managed one without messing up something because they're all different! as long as they don't try to kill me with incense, i count it a win if i just stand up or sit down at the wrong time.

may margaret's memory be a blessing.

[j00j]

"I posted this on Facebook because I thought it was funny, but I forgot that I would probably look like a sociopath for mentioning that it was spotted at my mother-in-law's funeral. Please don't think that? I'm just looking back at this with a more distant perspective."

Having had a REAL HARD year when it comes to grief, I think it's very important for many of us to be able to find things to laugh at in the midst of it.

Thank you for sharing these stories. I like the image of Margaret the tidy mouse.

Also, the Communion blessing alternative has sounded super awkward many of the times people have mentioned it; unless they demo what to do nobody knows what to do! In my parents' church you just stay in your pew which is also a bit awkward. I'm just as glad they didn't opt to do it at my brother's service (but I got up and mentioned being Jewish in my eulogy and got them to include "el malei rachamim" in the service so people can deal, and as far as I can tell they dealt or stayed quiet about not dealing!).

[lydamorehouse]

So awkward! Good for you for just asking for what you needed at your brother's service.

And thank you for being understanding about my laughter at a funeral.