Day in the Life of an Idiot

In about a half-hour, my family and I are about to head off to spend the day at the Water Park of America. This place claims to be the largest INDOOR water park in America.  It very well may be.  It also boasts a 10 story water slide, which I've never been brave enough to try.  Though we have tried the one that's probably 3 or 4 stories high.  It always makes my stomach drop out, but, usually, in the OMG-THIS-IS-FUN way, though there is a turn that always makes me shift into OMFG-WE'RE-GONNA-DIE mode momentarily.  Shawn, my dear beloved, will opt out of all the scary and sit in an inner tube and surf the lazy river all day.  I will be the one climbing the stairs and rushing to my doom with Mason, though Mason confessed he's more nervous this time, so I might not be required to do it as much as I have in the past.

I actually don't mind.  Adrenaline is good for the soul.

In small doses.

:-)

I'm also bummed because Shawn won't let me bring along any electronics (yeah, okay, MAYBE I have a problem with bringing Mac/i products in the bathtub), which means the book I was reading will have to be on hold. naomikritzer has a friend who has a book coming out from Viking soon who tapped me for a blurb, and I'm REALLY enjoying the book so far.  But, even with a day's hiatus, I'm hoping to get it read by this weekend, because = awesome, plus I really like doing this kind of favor for people, even though I'm never convinced that my name on anything helps sell it.

Especially lately.

Of course, because I have impostor syndrome bad right now, everyone has been asking me to do author-type things.  I got asked for this blurb,  asked to do a reading for Speculations, which I'll be doing next month, and the Loft has me teaching one of their teen drop-in classes in May at, of all places, ROSEVILLE LIBRARY, where I work.

I don't know what to do about this feeling I've been having, either.  I think it's been triggered by the admiration I get at work by non-writers/wannabe writers when they hear I've been published.  Listening to them makes me realize that, even if I feel like a moron lately, I did something that a lot of people really, REALLY wish they could do.  Even if I don't feel lucky right this moment, the truth of the matter is that I am extremely lucky to have published at all, much less 15 books.  And they remind me that I'm proud of what I've written, what I've accomplished....

But instead of making me feel like "yeah, damn it, that's a good thing," I find myself feeling, "what the f*ck is wrong with me that I can't push on?"  Even though I finally have pushed through (mostly thanks to empty_mirrors who has found a way to help me value both fan and original writing) and am working fairly steadily on two projects.

It's been slow going, though, and I feel badly about that.

I'm not fishing for anything here, I just wanted to write these feelings down in the hopes of examining them and trying to figure out why I can't feel happy for the progress I am making.  Maybe I need to do one of those lists that people always make of what they're grateful for, like, hey, despite all this, I still have an agent who is shopping things around.  Hey, I have a job that I like that's keeping the wolves from the door so we don't have to fight about money while I'm struggling with my feelings of Moon-Moon-ness.  I have super supportive friends who haven't given up on me either.

Yay.  Okay, see, that actually worked a little.  There will always be greater and lesser persons then myself... as Spock used to tell me on the Leonard Nemoy albums I had as a kid.  (Yes, I have BOTH of them, yes, the Biblo Baggins song, which f*ck you, I LOVED, plus his reading of "Cool, Green Hills of Earth" and "Gentlemen, Be Seated" on VINYL, kids, VI-NYL.)

Right, okay, on that much happier note, I'll head off to drift around the lazy river and bounce in the wave pool and plunge to my terrifying doom....