Death and a Con Report

[lydamorehouse]

First of all, thanks to everyone who sent along their condolences. I know that before our daughter Ella died, I always had a hard time knowing what to say when someone I knew suffered a loss. What I learned about how I reacted to the various cards we got is that, for me at least, it didn't really matter what a person said so long as an effort was made, you know? Soemtimes the most awkward attempts were the most touching. A dear friend, who is rather reserved generally, simply wrote an email that said, "That's just horrible" which still sticks with me as one of the most honest responses to the whole thing. But Shawn and I tended to feel just as touched by cards that were just signed as the ones in which someone tried to pen a few phrases.

Speaking of Shawn, I'm expecting her back home this afternoon. The funeral is planned for Sunday, April 6 in Valparaiso, IN, in order to give Pat's friends and relations from North Dakota and Minnesota a chance to attend if they wish. The big question right now for our family is what we're going to do with Mason. Personally, I think it's important for Mason to have a chance to experience the funeral, but we're having some questions over whether or not it would really make sense to him and whether or not his presence would end up being a distraction. I don't really know the answer. He's four, and the funeral will probably be a couple of hours long, what with the visitation and everything. Can I just tell you how much I despise visitations? I'm really not sure what purpose those serve except to possibly "prove" to the psyche that this person is, in point of fact, quite dead.

At some point I'd like to write a Minicon report, although I may have to learn how to "friends lock" the entry since I had a very personal reaction to one of the panelists on my "Embalming From Then to Now" panel. (How is it, exactly, you can take such a sort of scientific topic and find something inflamatory to say?) Because of my reaction to that particular panelist, I decided to skip out on the following panel about "How it Feels to Publish Your First Novel." Instead, I ended up at Khan's with naomikritzer, Harry LeBlanc, and his two buddies, with whom I instantly bonded with but whose names I've suddenly spaced on. Nice guys! One of them bought me dinner, no less! We had a hoot, actually. We talked a little too loudly about "bend over boyfriends" and such like in a public restaurant. Ah, good times! In fact, think it was probably time much better spent than raising my blood pressure with that certain unnamed panelist.

"The Magic of the Twin Cities" and "Demonology 101" both went well, in fact I found myself bonding with the woman with whom I shared Demonology 101. We apparently read all the same books (which when it comes to demons and angels is a strange, but wonder find,) and saw all the same movies, although no one remembered "Jesus of Montreal."

Comments

Friends Lock how-to

[j00j.livejournal.com]

(assuming you're using the normal livejournal posting interface and not a posting client)

on the Post an Entry page, write your entry as usual.
BEFORE clicking the "post to lyda222" button, look to the left of this button. You should see "Show this entry to:" followed by a dropdown menu. The default setting for this menu is "Everyone." Click the menu and select "Friends" to show it to everyone you have listed as a friend. Select "Just me (private)" to make the entry private to only you. Select "Custom" to show it to a custom group of friends (you must set up a filtered group first-- this is more complicated).

More about this in the LJ FAQ. http://www.livejournal.com/support/faqbrowse.bml?faqid=24

friends-lock and funerals

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

When you post an entry, somewhere on the page should be a drop-down menu, like there is to choose a picture to use, that has choices like public, my eyes only, and friends. If you choose friends, only people on your friends list can see it. I don't know if this is true for all journal styles, but I think it is. I suggest you try it, and ask for feedback. Someone can double check by signing out of their journal, and then looking for it. If it can only by found by a friend who is logged in, it's working.

My opinions, even though I don't have kids, is take Mason, but be prepared to take him elsewhere during the visitation. He sounds really bright, so he probably will have some sense of what is going on. I would *NOT* let any child that age see a person in a coffin. I was freaked by that experience only a few years ago myself; then again, maybe I'm oversensitive. And if necessary, you may be able to find someone else there to take him to a children's area or outside. I did that for my niece during her great-grandmother's funeral (Martin's grandmother). I didn't really care about the funeral, mostly went to be supportive of Martin and the rest of the family. If nothing else, it will give him a chance to be with family members, unless you think he and they have had enough of that already.

[jenwrites.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think it's important for Mason to have a chance to experience the funeral, but we're having some questions over whether or not it would really make sense to him and whether or not his presence would end up being a distraction.

I've always found children to be a *welcome* distraction at funerals.

[jiawen]

Yes, they're a superb reminder that life goes on.

True enough

[plaidder.livejournal.com]

We took PJ to the funeral of a friend's father when she was about 3 1/2 months old. She, of course couldn't possibly have known what was going on (or so I surmise from the fact that she...uh...disrupted the folding of the colors) but everyone else seemed really pleased that she was there. Especially since Mason is a descendant, the other mourners would probably get a kick out of seeing him, and out of the fact that he will inevitably not observe adult decorum all the time.

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[jiawen]

I'm sorry about the embalming panel. I have made notes, and the knowledge will hopefully last beyond my tenure as programming head.

I'm also sorry about the First Novel panel. Who was on it kept changing til the very last minute.

I kinda suspected you'd hit it off with Alexandra. You two are both very fun, nice, thoughtful people.

I barely saw you at the con. I hope it was good overall for you. Maybe I can buy you lunch sometime and we can talk about it?

[naomikritzer]

The guys were Steven the gay ASL interpreter who took it upon himself to rectify the economic disparities between gay men and lesbians, and John the financial dude.

I'm sure they had actual last names, but I only remembered their first names.

[oracne.livejournal.com]

Last time I was at a funeral, we were all happy to have children there. It helped.

[shenjanno.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I worked a ton of funerals and I saw the change in kids' faces when they made that realization about what death really means and I have to wonder: Just how important is it for a kid to TRULY understand death?

Everybody seems to be like: "Oh its so important blah, blah, blah..." But important to who? You? Grandpa died, we miss him, isn't that good enough? Why should a child actually see death, experience that in the moment sadness and maybe even understand? At four? Adults would rather be somewhere else.

I saw those kids faces and believe me, they weren't as much kids anymore after that moment and really isn't there plenty of time later in life for them to not be kids anymore?

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I feel that my life has been richer for my having been taken to funerals early, like my beloved grandfather's when I was 5 and my baby brother's when I was 6. If "being a kid" means not understanding reality, then I guess I never wanted to be one -- and the same was true for our oldest, who was 3, I think, when he first asked about something on TV, "Is this real?" But not all kids are the same; another of our kids wasn't clear on the line between real and not-real -- and didn't care to be -- till at least 11 or 12.

[g33kgrrl]

I remember very much attending a funeral when my brother and I were young. Apparently I declared the coffin "home base" in a game of tag, or something like that. (That part, I don't remember.) Anyway, it felt good to be a part of it with the rest of the family. Mason sounds like a very intelligent and intuitive child, and I'm sure he'll understand that he's part of saying good-bye to his grandfather. And he can always be taken aside if he's disrupting someone else, worst case scenario.

[xochiquetzl]

I ♥ friendslock.

Aren't you using Semagic? It's a pulldown under security level, underneath where you type your entry. I have a screenshot if you need it.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, I don't think its about NOT understanding reality, I just think there's a difference between understanding and undeniable truth. I would think an awareness of one's own tenuous mortality is something that kids don't really need to be as burdened with or would necessarily thank you for imposing on them, if they could articulate it. And why should they? Its kind of like believing in Santa, eventually you're gonna learn the truth, so why disrupt the days of innocence?

Of course, I'm not saying lie to them or anything like that, you should always be honest, but actually seeing the former shell of a loved one is major thing and I don't think its necessarily one that has to happen at a young age. Not that its some horrible event that children should be protected from either, of course, but personally I would rather remember them as happy and alive, instead of my last memory of them being one of them stretched out and gray and flaccid in the casket, because especially as a young kid, it would be hard to not be stuck with that image.

[shenjanno.livejournal.com]

heh, oops... that was from me.

Shawn's father

[(Anonymous)]

Our spirits and thoughts are with you during this time. Everyone experiences the loss of a parent differently, but for Barb and I it was a new life phase and really an important part of my transition into Cronehood. Peace and love to Lyda, Shawn, and Mason.
Gerriann and Barb

Taking Mason to the funeral

[(Anonymous)]

It's me again. I didn't see all the comments on Mason's attendance at the funeral, so I thought I would add my two cents also. Funerals have a way of bringing people together, seeing people you may not seen again for a long time, and I think it appropriate that you experience this as a family. I am sure there are many people who will completely enjoy Mason being there. However, there should be a plan B during the service so someone can be with Mason so Lyda and Shawn can focus on honoring Mr. Rounds.
Gerriann

I was 5 at my first funeral

[plaidder.livejournal.com]

and it was my grandfather's. FWIW I don't remember much of it at all. The things I remember are 1) the conversation in which my mother told me my grandfather had died and 2) seeing my father cry at the service. I also have a vague memory of the procession out to the gravesite and the pallbearers. Everything else kind of disappeared. Being 4, Mason's experience of the funeral would be completely different from the adults' experience of it, but it's hard to guess exactly how.

Friends-locking posts is easy; the hard part is making sure that whoever you want to avoid is not on your friendslist!

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[muneraven.livejournal.com]

Well.. .glad I didn't go to that panel! I tend to burst into colorful flames when someone says something inflammatory and it upsets someone I like. I'm like those dried out Christmas trees they show on the news around Christmas to warn people of fire hazards. Someone sparks me off and I just go POOF.

And then I cry. LOL. I'm such a girl. I kind of hate that.

I'm glad Mongolian grill and friends and racy talk made it better!

[christapolis.livejournal.com]

Jesus of Montreal is one of my favorite movies. I ran across it while doing movie reviews for a college French class. While I loved the introduction to Peter (the voiceover scene), it was when he threw over the tables at the audition that I really started to sit up and take notice. I do love me some allegory.