Better Note Keeper
Jul. 26th, 2023 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lydamorehouse I wish I were a better note keeper.
I just came back from a coffee date with Melonie, the mutual friend of Ember's who let me know of her passing. Because Ember's family is planning on having her interred in Ironton at a private ceremony, we are spontaneously trying to organize a more local celebration of life/memorial gathering for her Minneapolis/St Paul tribe. We may end up holding it at the Loft, believe it or not, because they have rooms for rent and it was, in fact, the place so many of us met for the first time.
As part of all this prep, of course, Mel is trying to gather mementos and memories of Ember.
I am utterly shocked by how little I have. I scoured through my emails and found exactly one thing in my gmail account, a meme she'd sent me, from I dunno 2007 or something which has ZERO context. Then, I thought, "Oh, of course, we knew each other BEFORE gmail was really a thing, so I should go through Hotmail." I called that up and found four, very cryptic emails, one of which reminded me that she and I went to the 2004 WorldCON in Boston together (where Sir Terry Pratchett was one of the writer guests of honor.) This was a big con for me, because I really bonded with my new editor (having lost Laura Anne Gilman) John Morgan, whom I often credit for saving my career. We really hit it off and got to talking about my guilty pleasure for vampires and so when an opportunity arose, John had me propose some new books at Tate and rewrote my contract to continue with Penguin under a new name. I would have been a four hit wonder without this particular con. So, you'd think I would have a much stronger memory of having shared a room with Ember and what we did, but no. I have almost nothing. It's really spooky, honestly.
In fact, it made me hunt up my written journals from the time, thinking, surely, I will mention all those lovely times at the Egg & I when Ember and I used to talk about life and the universe. But, no, my journal entries are completely full of my angst (and frustration) around being a stay-at-home mom to a very little Mason. At least around 2004. I'm going to skim the earlier entries, but my journal for the aughts is very sparse. I have one journal that covers all of 2000-2008 and then journaling stops almost all together. Possibly because I started up here and other places online.
It's times like this where I wish I had been better at keeping notes.
I was telling Mel that I think that this is a big part of feeling disconnected and so thrown by Ember's death. I realize that people do this. They wax and wane in importance in a person's life, but this has also made me aware of the ways in which I was generally disinterested in other people in my youth. We're all self-centered to some degree, but it has taken me far too long to figure out how to really pay attention to other people?
Anyway, hello, my friends. I see you! How are you?
I just came back from a coffee date with Melonie, the mutual friend of Ember's who let me know of her passing. Because Ember's family is planning on having her interred in Ironton at a private ceremony, we are spontaneously trying to organize a more local celebration of life/memorial gathering for her Minneapolis/St Paul tribe. We may end up holding it at the Loft, believe it or not, because they have rooms for rent and it was, in fact, the place so many of us met for the first time.
As part of all this prep, of course, Mel is trying to gather mementos and memories of Ember.
I am utterly shocked by how little I have. I scoured through my emails and found exactly one thing in my gmail account, a meme she'd sent me, from I dunno 2007 or something which has ZERO context. Then, I thought, "Oh, of course, we knew each other BEFORE gmail was really a thing, so I should go through Hotmail." I called that up and found four, very cryptic emails, one of which reminded me that she and I went to the 2004 WorldCON in Boston together (where Sir Terry Pratchett was one of the writer guests of honor.) This was a big con for me, because I really bonded with my new editor (having lost Laura Anne Gilman) John Morgan, whom I often credit for saving my career. We really hit it off and got to talking about my guilty pleasure for vampires and so when an opportunity arose, John had me propose some new books at Tate and rewrote my contract to continue with Penguin under a new name. I would have been a four hit wonder without this particular con. So, you'd think I would have a much stronger memory of having shared a room with Ember and what we did, but no. I have almost nothing. It's really spooky, honestly.
In fact, it made me hunt up my written journals from the time, thinking, surely, I will mention all those lovely times at the Egg & I when Ember and I used to talk about life and the universe. But, no, my journal entries are completely full of my angst (and frustration) around being a stay-at-home mom to a very little Mason. At least around 2004. I'm going to skim the earlier entries, but my journal for the aughts is very sparse. I have one journal that covers all of 2000-2008 and then journaling stops almost all together. Possibly because I started up here and other places online.
It's times like this where I wish I had been better at keeping notes.
I was telling Mel that I think that this is a big part of feeling disconnected and so thrown by Ember's death. I realize that people do this. They wax and wane in importance in a person's life, but this has also made me aware of the ways in which I was generally disinterested in other people in my youth. We're all self-centered to some degree, but it has taken me far too long to figure out how to really pay attention to other people?
Anyway, hello, my friends. I see you! How are you?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-26 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-26 07:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-26 08:26 pm (UTC)I had concerns about invasiveness too, when I tried to rectify this tendency by journalling about various people and events, so I wound up referring to many exchanges and occurrences only obliquely, or with some kind of code that I am sure made sense at the time but makes Present Me screw up her forehead and eventually laugh in disbelief.
I've also had the experience of just drawing a blank when I need to come up with an anecdote about someone who has died and whom I'd interacted with repeatedly and really liked and enjoyed. Sometimes those will come back later, but they never come back when I need them. I hope you may find some memories of Ember over time.
P.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-27 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-27 02:03 pm (UTC)even though your journals don't mention all those lovely times at the Egg & I, you do remember that there were lovely times at the Egg & I and maybe those can be the memories that you contribute--maybe not the specifics, but that you shared those times with her and discussed life and the universe.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-27 04:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-27 03:53 pm (UTC)I am fine; thanks for asking. Settling in to these days, thinking about what to write next.
K.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-27 04:11 pm (UTC)I guess I know it's natural? As I was telling Naomi this morning, I feel like the real problem is that Ember existed in one of the tiers of friends where we weren't best of friends, but sort of good friends who saw each other every so often? The pandemic made me really aware of these circles. The people who are immediate and close and the ones on the outer edge (your barista and grocer) and that the most vulnerable to loss are the ones in the middle?
Anyway, thanks for your support.