It Only Just Became Legal, and I Already Suck at It

[lydamorehouse]

Gay marriage only just became legal and I already suck at it.

That's how I feel today, anyway.

The other day Shawn made me scream and back way quickly when she pulled out a wedding planner. The problem is, we're still trying to figure out what we want to do. Should we wait? The problem there, of course, is that my health insurance costs a lot of money per month, since I'm a individual, self-imployed. Shawn is already carrying family health insurance and adding me would cost nothing more than we're already paying for her and Mason to be covered. So, it makes sense to do something legal as soon as possible. But, it's not a simple matter of going to the courthouse here in Ramsey County. You have to book and hire a judge and it's not like they'll meet you there in the filing office. At that point, you might as well get your requist paperwork and use a minister. Once you're doing that, you might consider inviting family. Once family start coming, then you have to think about where you're going to do this and if you want a ceremony...

It's like that picture book, "If you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to want some milk..." until the whole house is wrecked.

So, now Shawn and I are thinking about maybe doing the wedding in August... and the reception too.

Or maybe not.

This is why weddings are for kids. I don't have the time or the patience for all of this. I just want health insurance and maybe some cake.

But when I talk like that Mason gets very upset. He knows Shawn and I love each other, but he views weddings as something special, something ROMANTIC. Of course, he's not paying for it, but I think he'd want us to pull out all the stops and do a fantastic venue like Como Conservatory and then rent some giant pavillion. Have the dress, the veil, Westminster Abbey... the horse drawn carriage... all of it.

I kind of want that too, if only for Mason and all our friends... but I WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO PAY FOR AND ORGANIZE IT.

sigh.

Also? Shawn nixed my idea that I could get married in my soul reaper cosplay outfit. I told her it was a military uniform, but she wasn't going for it. :-)

Comments

[empty-mirrors.livejournal.com]

So I guess eloping is off the cards then?

[lydamorehouse]

Mugrgh. Eloping sounds great, but we'd STILL HAVE TO FIND A SOMEONE TO MARRY US!!!

[naomikritzer]

You could elope to Iowa sometime in the next two months, and your marriage would become valid in MN on August 1st.

And I think they have Justices of the Peace. Although with ELOPEMENT there's sort of an understanding that no one's being left out when you don't invite them because it's an ELOPEMENT. You could explain to Mason that elopements are also romantic although I do not know if he'd buy it. Maybe if you promised to elope in a horse-drawn carriage.

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

Many people get married quietly for whatever reason, then throw a big reception at leisure. You probably know plenty of people who could do the license part, it doesn't have to be a judge, just someone empowered to marry people. You could even explain to Mason that now all marriages are "civil marriages" the law itself separates the two. Have the "private" legal part, then the public party part. Does that make sense (it's been a long day for me.) Good luck!

[lydamorehouse]

Mason probably undestands what marriages are for in terms of the civil aspect more than most kids his age, which is why I think he's really stuck on the romance. We talk so much about health insurance that he started to cry in the back seat because he felt like OTHER people got married for love and all we want were the legal benefits.

I can't blame him for getting that impression, as I told him, but I also tried to explain that his mom and I have loved each other for SO LONG (three times as long as he's been alive, 27 years,) that THE ONLY THING marriage is going to change for us is the legal parts. We would have kept loving each other even if this was never possible, beause when we fell in love it was DANGEROUS to be in love, but we did it anyway.

And, Mason nods along, but I'm not sure he can get that part as easily. The world is so much different (as I'm sure you remember) than it was nearly 30 years ago, or 40, or 50.... so he really, really wants something that's about love.

We just have to convine him (and ourselves) that spending a ton of money isn't how you show love, either.... and weirdly, that's even harder, you know?

[naomikritzer]

For what it's worth, there are a whole lot of judges, ministers, mayors, etc. who have said that they're going to spend August 1st doing nothing but marrying same-sex couples. (The Minneapolis city hall will open at midnight, apparently, just for this purpose and they'll start marrying people at 12:01 a.m.) You can get your license basically anytime this month or next, then go to one of the massive celebrations where they will MARRY ALL THE PEOPLE to get legally hitched.

There's also this: http://www.comozooconservatory.org/news/saint-paul-marriage-equality-august-1-wedding-ceremony-promotion/ ...you'll have to bring your own officiant, mind you, but you've got plenty of options there.

I mean the thing that's worth remembering is that August 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th are going to be a massive celebration of love and equality, all over the metro area. If you want to do a quiet civil ceremony for health insurance purposes and then have a WEDDING at some later date when you can plan things properly, you totally can. If you want to dress up, get hitched in a park, throw a big party and basically make your wedding reception part of the enormous citywide party, you totally can.

[naomikritzer]

What are the traditional Wedding-y Things that are most appealing to you, to Shawn, and to Mason?

[lydamorehouse]

NONE of it appeals to me, most of it baffles Shawn, and I'm pretty sure ALL of it appeals to Mason (even though he's only been to one wedding he can remember.)

[lydamorehouse]

Como would cool. We may have to see how much that's going to cost. The problem of doing something like this twice, is that then it costs twice as much too.

And it looks like you rent half hour slots, but you still have to bring all the things.

Ah, the wedding.

[idairsauthor.livejournal.com]

We went through all this in 2008 around our wedding and we know a lot about the difference between getting married using your own money after 20 years together and getting married with your parents' money when you're 24 and just starting the relationship. If you want to talk about it in private you can email me at plaidadder@gmail.com and I will give you the benefit of my experience for what it's worth. And we have pictures. God do we have pictures.

For now, I will say only this:

You're only going to do this once, so it is worth doing it in a way that will be meaningful. You can make it romantic and special enough for Mason (and both of you) without doing the Full Cinderella. The way to do this on a budget is a) to make the ceremony itself, which is cheaper than the reception, the special romantic part by incorporating personal details into it and b) re the reception, to spend some money on the things that are truly important to you and not spend money on the things that everyone else thinks you should have.

For instance, we didn't have a bridal party. Instead, we involved our close friends in the ceremony in other ways (as members of the choir, as readers, as ushers, chalice bearers, etc. etc.) that meant more to us (and probably to them). We bought our outfits off the rack at department stores.

Also, get your friends to pitch in and help--not financially necessarily, but with organizing all the Stuff. Especially if you're not making them pay big bucks for a bridesmaid's dress, they will be happy to do it. Everyone loves being a part of the Story Of True Love.

Good luck!

OK, so, my comment got marked as spam cause I put my email in it.

[idairsauthor.livejournal.com]

Argh.

Short version: Mason is right, weddings are special and romantic; but the best way to make your wedding special and romantic is not to be bullied by the wedding industry into doing what everyone else does. Spend the money on what you want to have and don't spend money on stuff that everyone THINKS you should have but is meaningless to you.

Good luck!

Re: OK, so, my comment got marked as spam cause I put my email in it.

[lydamorehouse]

I got both messages, so I'm not sure why you got a spam notice. Anyway, Shawn and I are doing some thinking. Part of this, too, is that weddings are completely alien to us. We don't even really know what we HAVE to have much less what we WANT to have.

Re: OK, so, my comment got marked as spam cause I put my email in it.

[idairsauthor.livejournal.com]

Well, that's weird. Anyway, I am sure you have more unsolicited advice than you know what to do with, and anyhow I don't know how the legal part of it works in Minnesota. But I wish you both the best of luck!

Re: OK, so, my comment got marked as spam cause I put my email in it.

[sraun]

Irene here: You need four things to have a legal wedding - a marriage certificate, 2 witnesses, exchange of vows, and officiant (registered with the state) to declare you married. Everything else is frosting.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

If you took part in one of the big event-weddings at the beginning of August, would Mason be interested in and content with the historical aspect? That not only is your wedding showing your love for each other, but you are taking part in a historical celebration of many people's love for each other?

[chibi-evil.livejournal.com]

ohoh! Check out these websites!

http://apracticalwedding.com/

http://offbeatbride.com/

An easy trick to save some cash on a wedding is...to never tell people upfront that it is for a wedding. seriously. make them give you a quote before you tell them it is for a wedding. Then, after you have a quote, it is a lot harder for them to justify the "wedding rate" that some places like to charge.

Also, our offer to help with planning still stands. We really do enjoy this sort of thing!

[chibi-evil.livejournal.com]

Also, Teri is still offering to do the ceremony, provided she gets cake out of it. She's already a licensed officient in St Paul.

[sraun]

That means she's licensed for anywhere in the state, according to my wife?

[marlowe1.livejournal.com]

Do it at Convergence.

Of course, that's the second time I made that suggestion.

I want to go to my friends' weddings and I don't go back to MN.

[lydamorehouse]

I SHOULD at least have a party at CONvergence, shouldn't I? I'll bet it's far too late to arrange something like that, but I'll ask around. Maybe someone with a hotel room would host something. Of course, my partner is mundane (mostly, she reads SF, but doesn't do fandom) so it wouldn't be quite like an engagement party... unless I snuck her in.

Anyway, I appreciate the idea. And all the ones everyone else has had. Though they overwhelm me MORE, you know? :-)

At least it's a *fun* thing to organize.

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