Egos like Hairdos
Jul. 2nd, 2011 12:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lydamorehouseI used to be a big Ani DiFranco fan, and, in particular, I liked "Egos like Hairdos" ("they're different everyday/ depending on how you slept the night before/ depending on the demons that are at your door.") It's a song that, though it's about rival musical performers, very much always spoke to me about writers and professional jealousy.
My ego was all bent out of shape yesterday, because I slept badly on it. The demon at my door was not the usual green-eyed one that I have learned many coping mechanisms to deal with, but the much less common spike-covered fraud. I've been feeling very much like I'm like I'm not one of the "cool kids" and this sense of "you don't belong here" has really been haunting me. It's especially strange because, if there's ONE place I *do* belong, it's at a science fiction convention.
I went to CONvergence last night around dinner time to join the signing of WHEDONISTAS. I've been sick, but I really want to go. First of all, the parking was a nightmare. There are so many people at CONvergence (it was like the old MiniCON, back, as they say, "in the day,") that I had to circle the Sofiettel (sp?) parking lot until some poor, unsuspecting schmoo pulled out. I didn't dress in my usual con attire, which is to say, in costume as Rob Callahan, so once inside the con hotel I got asked for my badge A LOT. To which I replied, "Where *is* registration? I'm trying to find registration."
The problem with all the convention history at the former Radisson South (now Sheradon?) is that I always think of where things USED to be a million years ago, so it took some time for the helpful directions to actually sink in. (I'd hear them, but I'd think, no, it used to be here, so they must mean....) I did eventually find where registration was and I was delighted that a badge was, in point of fact, printed up and waiting for me. Go CONvergence! Though I do think this added to my sense of being a fraud a bit. I mean, it's kind of awkward to say, "Um, excuse me, I was told that you would do something special for me because I'm going to be a guest next year..." Especially since I was dressed completely mundane: shorts and a tee-shirt (not even with a skiffy joke on it. Just a plain shirt!)
I started running into people I knew right away. Just by random wandering, I found where the Whedonistas were setting up (they were also selling Chicks Dig Time Lords) so I hung out with some folks were were only in that anthology as well. I sat next to Cat Valente who is, argueably, one of the coolest "cool kids" right now. Then I tried to weasle an invitation to dinner with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rarelylynne and the other Whedonista cool chicks, which I managed to get, but then felt guilty about and so I bailed on them. Luckily, a phone call to naomikritzer found her and haddayr and friends just sitting down to dinner at the nearby TGI Fridays. This was probably my favorite part of the evening. I did NOT feel like a fraud, and we all chatted and gossiped about the con and writing and writers. I met some new people and generally had a good time watching the storm coming in.
Then I went back to the convention to crash the Whedonistas' panel, and the spike-covered fraud attached itself to my back again. Normally, on panels, I tap into my con personality and all is good. I'm relaxed and thoughtful, and this time I felt forced and weird.
I can't really understand it. Perhaps it's just the influence of the New Moon, which always draws me inward, or... who knows?
Anyway, all this was complicated by the fact that Shawn has contracted the flu-thingy that Mason brought home and which I also have. Turns out, last night, Shawn really needed me home and I totally misread her text as "go have fun" when it really said, "for god's sake come home now." (I know. Hard to imagine, but really, that's how I read it.)
So I was feeling like a fraud when I could have been at home. Ah well.
My ego was all bent out of shape yesterday, because I slept badly on it. The demon at my door was not the usual green-eyed one that I have learned many coping mechanisms to deal with, but the much less common spike-covered fraud. I've been feeling very much like I'm like I'm not one of the "cool kids" and this sense of "you don't belong here" has really been haunting me. It's especially strange because, if there's ONE place I *do* belong, it's at a science fiction convention.
I went to CONvergence last night around dinner time to join the signing of WHEDONISTAS. I've been sick, but I really want to go. First of all, the parking was a nightmare. There are so many people at CONvergence (it was like the old MiniCON, back, as they say, "in the day,") that I had to circle the Sofiettel (sp?) parking lot until some poor, unsuspecting schmoo pulled out. I didn't dress in my usual con attire, which is to say, in costume as Rob Callahan, so once inside the con hotel I got asked for my badge A LOT. To which I replied, "Where *is* registration? I'm trying to find registration."
The problem with all the convention history at the former Radisson South (now Sheradon?) is that I always think of where things USED to be a million years ago, so it took some time for the helpful directions to actually sink in. (I'd hear them, but I'd think, no, it used to be here, so they must mean....) I did eventually find where registration was and I was delighted that a badge was, in point of fact, printed up and waiting for me. Go CONvergence! Though I do think this added to my sense of being a fraud a bit. I mean, it's kind of awkward to say, "Um, excuse me, I was told that you would do something special for me because I'm going to be a guest next year..." Especially since I was dressed completely mundane: shorts and a tee-shirt (not even with a skiffy joke on it. Just a plain shirt!)
I started running into people I knew right away. Just by random wandering, I found where the Whedonistas were setting up (they were also selling Chicks Dig Time Lords) so I hung out with some folks were were only in that anthology as well. I sat next to Cat Valente who is, argueably, one of the coolest "cool kids" right now. Then I tried to weasle an invitation to dinner with
rarelylynne and the other Whedonista cool chicks, which I managed to get, but then felt guilty about and so I bailed on them. Luckily, a phone call to naomikritzer found her and haddayr and friends just sitting down to dinner at the nearby TGI Fridays. This was probably my favorite part of the evening. I did NOT feel like a fraud, and we all chatted and gossiped about the con and writing and writers. I met some new people and generally had a good time watching the storm coming in. Then I went back to the convention to crash the Whedonistas' panel, and the spike-covered fraud attached itself to my back again. Normally, on panels, I tap into my con personality and all is good. I'm relaxed and thoughtful, and this time I felt forced and weird.
I can't really understand it. Perhaps it's just the influence of the New Moon, which always draws me inward, or... who knows?
Anyway, all this was complicated by the fact that Shawn has contracted the flu-thingy that Mason brought home and which I also have. Turns out, last night, Shawn really needed me home and I totally misread her text as "go have fun" when it really said, "for god's sake come home now." (I know. Hard to imagine, but really, that's how I read it.)
So I was feeling like a fraud when I could have been at home. Ah well.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-07-02 07:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-03 01:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-03 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-03 04:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-03 04:06 am (UTC)And I set out on my "find registration!" quest from the Bloomington Room, which was really near Registration. Go figure.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-03 02:02 pm (UTC)